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12 May 2004 09:29 pmFeeling better today. Must remember to laugh. Laughter is the great healer ^_^
It helped that a friend told me that what he liked in me was that I laughed a lot. Asked me if it wasn't forced, sometimes.
I told him no. I like to smile and to laugh and to enjoy everything that I can take from life. Even when I'm also sad and lonely.
I used to be so unhappy as a child. To feel so miserable all the time. The only escape I had was in books, in not being me.
Even so, it was in me to be cheerful, and loud, and outgoing and enthousiast. I used to try to restrain myself, restrain me from talking without thinking, from laughing to loudly, from telling too much about myself to people who would make fun of it. It was one of those things I thought would be the miraculous solution to my problems. I kept looking for those, for what I did 'wrong'.
I don't remember when it changed, when I realised that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't to blame. That I shouldn't have to change myself. That people ought to accept me as I was. But I can remember the shift in my mind, like the world turning up side down. It was perfectly all right to be me.
I can't believe no one told me that before.
I remember the decision never to let anything, anyone, any pain, any hard truth, from enjoying life.
That's what I told to my friend. That I could be sad, and lonely, and feel miserable, and still be laughing, and having fun. To accept it all, to embrace it all.
I don't think that the world is a very nice place. I don't believe in happy ending. I don't believe in much. But... what I try to tell to my often depressed friends... we do make what we want of our own life. My mind and heart is mine to rule. No one can prevent me from finding beauty in the world, from enjoying it, if I trully want to. That's freedom.
So, yesterday one of my often depressed friends reminded that to me ^_^
He can challenge me in the way I don't like to be challenged. Because I'm so very private, and withdrawn and secretive even... and he always bring in intimate discussions I'm not comfortable talking about, or infuriates me with his supposition, but that gets me to... talk. Which is good.
That's the thing so good about laughter. It makes you get over yourself, look on the outside, take some distance. Autoderision can be so salutary.
The world's a pretty damn funny place. Dark, and cruel and funny. You can be both sad and laughing at it.
It helped that a friend told me that what he liked in me was that I laughed a lot. Asked me if it wasn't forced, sometimes.
I told him no. I like to smile and to laugh and to enjoy everything that I can take from life. Even when I'm also sad and lonely.
I used to be so unhappy as a child. To feel so miserable all the time. The only escape I had was in books, in not being me.
Even so, it was in me to be cheerful, and loud, and outgoing and enthousiast. I used to try to restrain myself, restrain me from talking without thinking, from laughing to loudly, from telling too much about myself to people who would make fun of it. It was one of those things I thought would be the miraculous solution to my problems. I kept looking for those, for what I did 'wrong'.
I don't remember when it changed, when I realised that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't to blame. That I shouldn't have to change myself. That people ought to accept me as I was. But I can remember the shift in my mind, like the world turning up side down. It was perfectly all right to be me.
I can't believe no one told me that before.
I remember the decision never to let anything, anyone, any pain, any hard truth, from enjoying life.
That's what I told to my friend. That I could be sad, and lonely, and feel miserable, and still be laughing, and having fun. To accept it all, to embrace it all.
I don't think that the world is a very nice place. I don't believe in happy ending. I don't believe in much. But... what I try to tell to my often depressed friends... we do make what we want of our own life. My mind and heart is mine to rule. No one can prevent me from finding beauty in the world, from enjoying it, if I trully want to. That's freedom.
So, yesterday one of my often depressed friends reminded that to me ^_^
He can challenge me in the way I don't like to be challenged. Because I'm so very private, and withdrawn and secretive even... and he always bring in intimate discussions I'm not comfortable talking about, or infuriates me with his supposition, but that gets me to... talk. Which is good.
That's the thing so good about laughter. It makes you get over yourself, look on the outside, take some distance. Autoderision can be so salutary.
The world's a pretty damn funny place. Dark, and cruel and funny. You can be both sad and laughing at it.