Baby steps

[salinea]

I feel very weird today.

Why do I never know how to say the right thing ? Why am I so reluctant to tell people I love them ? Why are the people I care the most for the ones I have the most difficulty to talk to, to really give something ?

I don't use this nickname randomly. I guess, sometimes I just want to remain a stranger. It's safest. Not only because it protects me, but because that means people can't demand things of me. I can be real coward about an area of certain things.

But... there are people I care about, who suffers around me. Who live time of deep grief. And I hate myself for not being able to properly to tell them how sorry I am for them, what their friendship mean in my life, and that I care immensely for them. But I do.

I guess I just have a very hard time dealing with that third of existence that is "Others". I can deal with myself - I think I know my own mind pretty well. And the world - well it is an immensely complicated things, but I love the world, I love life, I love all the things around the sun, all the colours, all the faces. It's cruel and beautiful, and sometimes I don't know if I'm capable of facing it - but I love the world anyway.

With "Others" I'm always misstepping. Dancing along the distance not knowing quite what is the right one. I'm always pretending, wondering "is this proper ?" "is this all right ?" "Is it too close or too far ?" "Do I appear too presumptuous ?"

I have a shitty depth perception when it comes with dealing with relationship.

Comments

[azure-empress.livejournal.com]

Those we love are dangerous. No other people have a knife pointed at our hearts the way the ones we love have. No others have the potential to hurt us as much as they.
So why bother with telling them how we feel? Why would we want to expose ourselves to this vulnerability? After all, we are safe the way things are now, so why take the risk? Besides we are also happy.

Aren't we?

Just a comment from another who knows exactly what you mean and what it feels like.

[link621.livejournal.com]

^^ I know what you're talking about, but I'm notoriously too stupid to be that kind of person. I let myself get hurt, but, it's the price you pay for loving.

They say, you can't really love anyone if you can't love yourself. Then again, you can't really love yourself if you can't love other people.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it's been beat up plenty of times in the past, but people can't deny my charisma or the fact that I am always an easy-going person for the same reason. I'm a walking contradiction, but thus is the nature of love.

...I think that wins an award for most pointless comment EVER.

[etrangere.livejournal.com]

*sad smile* Yes, that's quite exactly how I often feel and react. I don't think there's anyone I can hate - but someone I cared for and who betrayed me.

But those days, I feel like if I keep being so withdrawn and aloof, I might loose my friends and the people I love. That makes me scared.

[etrangere.livejournal.com]

lol ! I don't think that's a matter of being stupid...

I admire people who are able to put their hearts in balance, no matter the risk. It must be a very sad thing, to be so much hurt to not be able to love anymore. Love is something that gives so much to you - even when it hurts. I do think it's worth it.


They say, you can't really love anyone if you can't love yourself. Then again, you can't really love yourself if you can't love other people.


And that is why I think that Subaru and Seishirou have a lot in common ;)

[bog-mod.livejournal.com]

You give what you can, and that is more then enough. The fact you worry about these things speaks volumes about you. It can be hard to open up, we all know how that can be. To show our deepest hearts to people is to show them yourself without any of the protections we build up for ourselves. Yet if you can do that, and be accepted once the walls are down, you have a true friend on your hands that you can cherish.

[etrangere.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that's a very heart-warming answer ^^