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salineaTwo
"Which Tarot Arcana are You? (women)"
High Priestess
Hidden influences at work, unrevealed future. Creative forces of the subconscious, the female side of the brain at work for the artist, poet and mystic. A woman of great intuition, inner illumination.
"What Is Your Kink?"
Submission
You live to serve! You're most excited when someone else takes the reins and controls the situation. You're happy to do whatever will make your partner happy, even if it isn't your favorite thing to do. In the bedroom, you aim to please. Your motto is, Yes Sir/Ma'am!
Last friday I was supposed to run an Exalted game, but I couldn't find the time and/or the will to write up the scenario, so I wake up late on the morning without time anymore and phone my friends to tell them it's cancelled, which, understandably enough, they didn't appreciate.
I let them down, which isn't exactly the first time, but usually those things I must do and find myself unable to only concerns myself, so for once I didn't only fail myself but screwed up with my friends.
Later on, yesterday, one of them called me for explanation. Told me that he had been very mad but he was calmed up now. Anyway, we talked and I tried to explain to him what happened, and how it's difficult for me to show any weaknesses to my friends (especially my friends, especially anyone close to me).
I don't know it that's something I can properly explain.
I think in a way I keep running away, seeking new friends all the time because I can't believe I could keep those I made before. And I do that because I couldn't stand the pain of being rejects by my group of friends anymore.
Sounds familiar ?
What is it that I react to things in a fashion typical of romantic relationships with friendship, while on the other hand I'm usually confident about romantic relationships ? Maybe I'm just weird.
It's funny because that friend, he told me that the worst he could feel was being letting down, the feeling of being abandonned and alone. I don't know if he even gets how alike we are for that. This is the person who told me once that he didn't believe I could know what loneliness was (God, how did that upset me)
Experience told me too many times that when I had friends and I was too open, too straight forward, when I told them about myself with sincerity and when I was the one looking them out (as is my impulse, i'm not a shy person, never been)... that's when they let me down. When I was too weird for them, too loud and obnoxious, too... well I don't know. I just know I learned to be different, somewhat, withdrawn doesn't exactly cover it, I'm still my cheerful and talkative self.
But i don't show myself. It's like I learned how to use a veil of secrecy and mystery to cover myself. (and it works -, I've been told by others about that - how mysterious they found me) Which I guess, lots of people find more appealing from my usual self.
Sounds familiar ?
I wish there was words to talk about friendship that didn't so much resonate with romantic relationships clichees.
Maybe that's what I have so many troubles having a friendship which doesn't get mixed with hints of romance. Because I use the kind of tactics typical of romance.
Seducing and appealing to the desire to seduce me.
Maybe I just don't know what friendship is.
And this rant doesn't even begin to cover how angry I am at myself for being so unable to prepare myself and meet the commitments I make and... I don't know.
There's that sarcastic voice in my head who's sneering : hey girl, shouldn't you learn how to walk before you want to fly ?
The only thing I'm good at is running away.
Someday I'd like to be able to sit down and find a place to call home.
I've been looking for some place to belong to for so long. But I've been doing this all wrong.
Maybe I just need to learn how to give.
"Which Tarot Arcana are You? (women)"
High Priestess
Hidden influences at work, unrevealed future. Creative forces of the subconscious, the female side of the brain at work for the artist, poet and mystic. A woman of great intuition, inner illumination.
"What Is Your Kink?"
Submission
You live to serve! You're most excited when someone else takes the reins and controls the situation. You're happy to do whatever will make your partner happy, even if it isn't your favorite thing to do. In the bedroom, you aim to please. Your motto is, Yes Sir/Ma'am!
Last friday I was supposed to run an Exalted game, but I couldn't find the time and/or the will to write up the scenario, so I wake up late on the morning without time anymore and phone my friends to tell them it's cancelled, which, understandably enough, they didn't appreciate.
I let them down, which isn't exactly the first time, but usually those things I must do and find myself unable to only concerns myself, so for once I didn't only fail myself but screwed up with my friends.
Later on, yesterday, one of them called me for explanation. Told me that he had been very mad but he was calmed up now. Anyway, we talked and I tried to explain to him what happened, and how it's difficult for me to show any weaknesses to my friends (especially my friends, especially anyone close to me).
I don't know it that's something I can properly explain.
I think in a way I keep running away, seeking new friends all the time because I can't believe I could keep those I made before. And I do that because I couldn't stand the pain of being rejects by my group of friends anymore.
Sounds familiar ?
What is it that I react to things in a fashion typical of romantic relationships with friendship, while on the other hand I'm usually confident about romantic relationships ? Maybe I'm just weird.
It's funny because that friend, he told me that the worst he could feel was being letting down, the feeling of being abandonned and alone. I don't know if he even gets how alike we are for that. This is the person who told me once that he didn't believe I could know what loneliness was (God, how did that upset me)
Experience told me too many times that when I had friends and I was too open, too straight forward, when I told them about myself with sincerity and when I was the one looking them out (as is my impulse, i'm not a shy person, never been)... that's when they let me down. When I was too weird for them, too loud and obnoxious, too... well I don't know. I just know I learned to be different, somewhat, withdrawn doesn't exactly cover it, I'm still my cheerful and talkative self.
But i don't show myself. It's like I learned how to use a veil of secrecy and mystery to cover myself. (and it works -, I've been told by others about that - how mysterious they found me) Which I guess, lots of people find more appealing from my usual self.
Sounds familiar ?
I wish there was words to talk about friendship that didn't so much resonate with romantic relationships clichees.
Maybe that's what I have so many troubles having a friendship which doesn't get mixed with hints of romance. Because I use the kind of tactics typical of romance.
Seducing and appealing to the desire to seduce me.
Maybe I just don't know what friendship is.
And this rant doesn't even begin to cover how angry I am at myself for being so unable to prepare myself and meet the commitments I make and... I don't know.
There's that sarcastic voice in my head who's sneering : hey girl, shouldn't you learn how to walk before you want to fly ?
The only thing I'm good at is running away.
Someday I'd like to be able to sit down and find a place to call home.
I've been looking for some place to belong to for so long. But I've been doing this all wrong.
Maybe I just need to learn how to give.
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no subject
Date: 30 June 2004 10:46 pm (UTC)What I can and will do though is accept you as you are and assure you that I see you as a friend.
no subject
Date: 1 July 2004 04:37 am (UTC)Don't worry, i'm not exactly in a deep, sad depressive pit. Just annoyed and frustrated at myself.
no subject
Date: 1 July 2004 05:23 am (UTC)There are times in our lives, when we are unable to do things, and I think that's okay.
no subject
Date: 2 July 2004 09:58 am (UTC)